Heartless
by Batmanskipper
Summary: Marlene always thought Skipper was cold, heartless, psychotic and paranoid. That was on his good days. Much of the rest of the zoo, including members of his own team, shared this belief. However, when one of Kowalski's experiments goes wrong, zoo learns just how much Skipper cares.
1. I'm Fine

Marlene stood outside the cave in her habitat. The rain poured down soaking her fur, but she didn't notice. A shiver ran down her back, it was freezing outside, but she didn't care. It was dark, ten o'clock at night last she looked at a clock, but once again, but Marlene had blocked out the real world long ago. It was too cold and cruel for her.

"Marlene?" A British accented voice asked cautiously. She didn't look up. She didn't want to see anyone who could possibly remind her of him. It hurt too much, "Marlene?" The penguin laid a caring wing on the otter.

"Why'd he have to be so dammed heartless, Private," She choked, the tears welling up in her eyes again. She shrugged, hoping that if she just brushed it of it would go away, "Or does he just not see it?" she forced out a small cough, intended to be a dry chuckle.

"Marlene, why don't you come inside." Private pleaded. Marlene's head lifted slightly, then dropped. She trudged after the youngest penguin and back into the cave. Private sat her down on her bed, before setting a kettle on the boil for a cup of tea. He sat down on the beanbag next to her, "Skippah… he's not good with emotional stuff."

"Understatement of the century. He just, I don't know if he notices me or pretends he doesn't, or if he's blind. Can't he see how much I…" Marlene's voice cracked.

"It's okay, Marlene." Private comforted. For the first time, Marlene looked at the caring penguin. She noticed a red mark across his face.

"What happened to you?" She questioned angrily. Private turned his head, attempting to hide the injury.

"Oh, nothing. Tripped up on the ladder." He lied, though Marlene knew all too well how he got that mark.

What'd he slap you for this time? Blinking? Being alive?" She questioned. Marlene hated the way Skipper treated the boy. Private stiffened.

"I wish you won't say that about Skipper. I tripped up Kowalski while he was carrying the maggufium, if you really want to know." Private replied uncomfortably. He hoped Marlene wouldn't notice that he was, once again, twisting the truth.

"You spoke up for me, didn't you? You tried to explain how I feel about him."

"It was the least I could do for you, Marlene. I don't regret it."

Kowalski wrapped a bandage around his wing. "Early training!" skipper shouted in the scientist's ear. Kowalski jumped, his wounded wing hitting the table. He winced. Slowly, he followed his leader up the ladder and onto the concrete floe. Kowalski stood alongside his fellow teammates as Skipper ran him through drill. Kowalski did his best to compromise for his wounded wing, but it was much harder to do single winged push-ups. Skipper gave him no mercy, constantly telling him he should stop being lazy.

"Rico, you work with Private. Kowalski, you're with me." Skipper ordered, assigning sparring partners. The two faced each other, each striking a fighting stance. Kowalski threw a punch, Skipper blocked and countered with a strike to the injured wing. Kowalski let out a cry of pain, clutching the wing to his chest protectively, as blood began to stain the bandage, the wound reopened. Skipper followed this with a kick to the head. Kowalski hit the floor.

"Skippah…" Private gasped.

"Stitch it up, then we'll try again. It took me less than ten seconds to beat you. That's unacceptable." Skipper criticized.

"I went down in 6.745 seconds because of my wing." Kowalski winced.

"And you think the enemy is going to leave your poor injured wing alone?" Skipper mocked, "Fighting isn't fair. I spotted a weakness and I used it against you. Remember that." Kowalski slowly picked himself off the floor, and climbed down the ladder. Private went to follow, "Training isn't over, Private."

"But Skippah, I was going to help Kowalski…"

"Kowalski knows how to dress his own wounds." Skipper interrupted.

"But if he's doing it himself, he won't be able to use any kind of anaesthetic." Private protested, "We haven't stolen any so far that don't result in severe drowsiness."

"If he was injured in the field, he probably wouldn't even have a disinfected needle. Manfridi and Johnson insisted on painkillers when we were in the Bahamas. They too long, they got left behind."

* * *

Several weeks later

"So what does this do, and when should I run for cover before it blows up?" Skipper asked sceptically. Kowalski removed the sheet covering his latest invention, showing it to the team.

"Well, I haven't named it yet, but essentially it prevents any and all enjoyment at lemur parties." Kowalski stated proudly.

"And the point is?"

"Well, Skipper, a couple of days ago, I asked myself: why do the lemurs have parties? What is the motivation behind their parties? Well after a lot of long, and probably unnecessary calculations, I discovered the answer!" Skipper still seemed unimpressed, "The answer is simply that they enjoy them. My invention, the Anti-party-er…"

"I thought you said you hadn't named it?"

"I just made it up. Anyway, if they no longer enjoy parties, they will stop throwing them, as they too will recognise the pointless waste of resources parties are."

"Finally, decent night's sleep!" Skipper jumped the behind the invention, aiming it at the lemurs through the periscope.

"Skipper, don't!" Kowalski shouted, but it was too late. Skipper had already fired the weapon.

"Skipper!" Kowalski dragged his leader away from the machine just before it exploded. When Skipper had fired the ray at the periscope, it had reflected back off the glass, back through the machine, hitting Skipper instead. That was when the machine began to overheat. At first Kowalski was too busy pondering why the beam had reflected off the glass lens, and yet passed strait through the metal to notice. However, when the machine began to glow bright orange, Kowalski returned to reality, just in time to drag his unconscious leader out of the way of the blast.

As soon as the immediate danger was passed, Kowalski franticly checked Skipper's pulse and other vitals, before snatching his clipboard from Rico, "Right, he hasn't exhibited any signs of zombification…"

"Zombification?!" Private took a couple of steps backwards.

"Possible side effect when beam is concentrated," Kowalski replied hurriedly, "Right, pulse is good… so far no evidence of internal bleeding or…" Skipper sat up.

"Ipper!" Rico shouted joyously. Skipper blinked.

"What the deep fried sea cucumber happened?" Skipper stared at the remains of the invention.

"Skipper, how many fingers am I holding up?" Kowalski asked, waving a wing in front of his face.

"We don't have fingers." Skipper stood up and looked around. Apart from the explosing, and the concerned looks on his teammate's faces, nothing seemed to have changed.

"Subject shows no signs of…" Skipper slapped Kowalski across the face.

"I'm fine."

"Subject appears to be, I quote, "fine"." Kowalski recorded.

"Rico, broom." Skipper ordered. Rico regurgitated the said object, passing it to Skipper. The leader then tossed it to Kowalski and pointed at the gigantic mess the exploding invention had made.

"Oh… yeah…" Kowalski smiled sheepishly.

**Is Skipper really okay? Well, if you've read the discription, you know he isn't, but you get what I mean. Before anyone gets mad at me, not Skipper is not just being mean. The motives behind his actions will be revealed, later.**


	2. Something's Wrong With Skipper

**Day One**

"Early morning training men!" Skipper shouted. Rico buried his head in his pillow.

"Fa' more min'oot." He moaned.

"I said now, soldier!" Skipper shouted in his ear. Rico shot up, his head slamming into the roof of his bunk. Rico looked down at his leader, somewhat disgruntled. Well, Kowalski did say that the effects of the invention would probably put him in a bad mood the next day, but the strange thing was, his face was expressionless. He wasn't angry, or even giggling slightly like the other teammates when his head hit the top of the bunk. That was strange.

The team was exhausted by the time Skipper had finished the warm up, but he was barely sweating. They had been made to do ten times the push ups, fifteen more laps, and insane numbers of everything else. Skipper really must have been in a bad mood.

"Alright men, sparring practice." He announced. The team groaned.

"Skippah, don't you think we've had enough warm up? It's not evaluation week is it?" Private complained.

"No, it's not, but your training is substandard. In fact, now that you mention evaluation, I want to evaluate your combat skill. Now, LINE UP!"

"Yes sir!" the team replied in unison, as they snapped into line.

"Better. I expect total discipline at all times. Absolutely no slacking," Skipper struck a fighting pose, "Now, each one of you will confront me in hand to hand combat. I expect you all to last at least one minute. I will not go easy on you, do you understand?" the penguins nodded, "Well?" Skipper scrutinised them as if waiting for something, "I believe the reply is "sir, yes sir" In case any of you have forgotten."

"Sir, yes sir." The team replied still stunned by skipper's change in behaviour.

"Now, Rico, you're up." Skipper stood opposite Rico, still in fighting stance. Rico moved into a similar one opposite.

"Now Rico, all skills and weapons are allowed." Skipper announced. This was unusual, not to mention extremely dangerous. Rico regurgitated a metal mace, and the fight was on.

Rico struck out with a mace. He could stay in one minute easy. In fact, his average was actually one minute and twenty seconds. Skipper ducked under the mace and slapped it out of Rico's hand as soon as it had passed. Rico was about to regurgitate another weapon when Skipper stopped him with a punch in the stomach. Five different weapons spilled out uncontrollably. Rico doubled over in pain as skipper grabbed one of the weapons as it shot out of his mouth, clubbing Rico over the head with it. The penguin fell to the ground momentarily stunned. Skipper then placed a foot over the other penguin's throat signalling that he shouldn't try and get up. The fight was over.

"I win," Skipper removed the foot and turned to Kowalski, "Time?" Kowalski looked down at his stop watch, that was, the non-time freezing one.

"18 seconds, sir." He replied. Rico looked up, stunned.

"Rico, that was a whole minute below your average," skipper criticized. Rico stood up, slowly.

"Well, Skippah, you do normally go a lot easier on us." Private protested.

"I did tell you I wasn't going to hold back. Now, because you had the audacity to speak out of line, you're next." The young penguin slowly moved towards the leader.

* * *

**Day two**

"Hey guys!" Marlene burst into the habitat. She was finally going to tell Skipper how she felt about him. Kowalski turned around, a nervous look on his face.

"Sshhh!" Kowalski hissed, his eyes motioning towards the elevator in the centre of the room, "Skipper's not in the best mood…" Suddenly the elevator doors snapped open and Skipper walked out, "Sir!" Kowalski stood to attention, the other penguins following suit. Marlene raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not in the what, Lieutenant?" skipper asked sceptically.

"Sir, I said you're not in the…" Kowalski struggled to think of a suitable lie, "Um… I just told Marlene that you're not in the… um… Shower! Yes, that you're not in the shower, sir."

"Lieutenant, all female civilians are to be addressed as ma'am."

"Yes sir." Skipper turned to Marlene.

"Now, ma'am, would you please explain how and why you have entered a classified location without clearance? And Lieutenant, will you please explain why the security defences were switched off?"

"Um…"

"Well, she was sort of invited by me," Private admitted, "She has something… she needs to tell you."

"Skipper, since when do I need clearance to come say hi? I do it all the time." Marlene protested. Skipper normally put up a fuss about her entering unannounced, but he was usually semi-joking.

"Regulation 245b, all visitors must not be allowed into the HQ without proper security clearance and a visitor pass." Skipper announced, "Now, you said you needed to tell me something? Are the space squids attacking?" His voice was blunt and dull. There wasn't even a hint of paranoia at the mention of a space squid. Marlene didn't seem to notice.

"No. Well, um it's something, I kinda needed to tell _just_ you."

"All witness statements must be recorded."

"Skipper!" Marlene threw up her hands in frustration, "Why don't we take a walk?"

"I'm officer of the watch, ma'am." Skipper refused.

"Fine, it's about the space squids!" Skipper followed Marlene out of the HQ.

"Skipper…" Marlene began nervously, "I've wanted to tell you this for… a long time."

"Cut to the chase, when are they invading?" skipper demanded impatiently.

"It's not about that," Marlene shut her eyes, gathering the courage, "I… I love you, Skipper. I've loved you since the day I first jumped out of the crate and you insisted I go through a metal detector. I've loved you since that very moment you accused me of working for Blowhole, and I… I couldn't hide it any longer." Marlene opened her eyes. The penguin remained unmoved.

"And?" He asked emotionlessly. Marlene stared at him.

"I… I just told you I love you." Marlene replied incredulously.

"Well, Marlene, since this has no relevance to the mission, if you have nothing else to say, I will return to the base. Now, I would like to remind you that space squid invasions are a serious matter. Do not alert us of one unless that is the case." Skipper touched his hat, "Ma'am." And he disappeared into the HQ.


	3. Never Leave a Penguin Behind

The team approached the Hoboken Zoo. The mission was simple: go in, steal the map, and get out. At least, it was supposed to be simple. Kowalski hadn't counted on Clemson waking up half way through the theft. Since zookeeper Frances and her android duplicates had left the zoo had returned to being the maximum security cesspool it had always been. Skipper had outright vowed never to go back there until he discovered that the schematics for a highly classified, and recently abandoned, weapons storage facility had been hidden there where "no sane penguin would dare search", at least, that was what Buck Rockgut had told them. Still, the idea of an entire storage facility filled with reasonably high tech weapons had been enough to convince Skipper that they fit the insane penguin category.

After that Kowalski had formulated a highly complex plan, that addressed all the incredibly improbably contingencies, to break into the zoo.

"My, my, what do we have here," Clemson smiled psychotically at the penguins, who were cornered in the part of his habitat farthest from the exit. Behind him were Hans, Rhonda, and Savio, "I'm guessing some very lost or very stupid penguins."

"Kowalski, give me some options," Skipper whispered to his lieutenant.

"We can risk a frontal assault. If we all attack at the same time, we might just break through, though he will be expecting us to do that. Or we can all split in different directions and hope they get confused," Kowalski replied, "there's a two per cent chance we all escape for the first one, and the second one has a three per cent chance."

"What if we had some kind of distraction?" Skipper asked.

"Well, that would increase the chances of the second succeeding to 30%," Kowalski replied, "But, um, Skipper… we don't have a distraction.

"Of course we do," Skipper turned to private, "Private, on my mark, you're going to charge strait for Clemson, Okay?"

"Skipper, that's suicide…"

"Mark!"

Private charged forward, blindly trusting his leader. Clemson and the other villains closed on private, their attention focussed on the charging penguin, ignoring the other three. It was already too late when Private realised the others were gone.

"Skipper, what the hell are you..?" Kowalski complained, panting as he tried to keep pace with his leader.

"Getting us out of a tight situation." Skipper replied bluntly. Kowalski turned around running back towards the habitat, "Kowalski, what are you doing?"

"Not leaving a penguin behind."

Private closed his eyes. As much as he always imagined he'd go out heroically, it was still pretty scary. He didn't want to see the final blow coming. He waited. Suddenly he felt something slam into his side, then he began to rise up into the air. He opened his eyes.

"It's okay, I've got you." Kowalski smiled confidently as he swung across the habitat, Tarzan style, on a rope tied to a tree. Below them the zoo's residents shouted in protest.

"Thanks K'walski." Private replied, his voice weak. The two penguins approached the outer fence with alarming speed.

"Um, Private… I may have forgotten to carry the two…" the two penguins crossed the fence six inches lower than expected, slamming straight into the barbed wire.

* * *

"Kowalski, your actions put the entire team at risk," Skipper reprimanded his lieutenant as he dressed the wounds left by the barbed wire, back at the HQ, "By going back you could have trapped me and Rico in Hoboken too. Without you, we wouldn't be able to bypass the security system on the front gate. If you disobey orders again, you will be court martialled." Kowalski glared at his leader, outraged.

"I acted recklessly?! You left a man behind. Worse than that, you tried to send a man to his death!" Kowalski shouted, standing up. He winced as several of the shallower wounds reopened, and sat down again.

"I made the decision any responsible leader would and favoured the option in which less lives were likely to be lost. I had to choose between sacrificing one penguin, or the entire team. I picked the one penguin" Skipper replied.

"But Private? He's just a kid!"

"I would have sacrificed myself, but I believe my necessity to the team was adequately demonstrated when I took leave from the team to complete PELT. Rico has a unique ability, necessary to the completion of most missions, not to mention an asset to the penguin organisation as a whole."

"What about me?"

"You are necessary for strategy, and weapons design and production. Private however, is a trainee with one special skill, which he refuses to use, even under extreme circumstances. He was also the one of us least likely to make it out."

"Skipper, you never leave a penguin behind…"

"I made the only possible decision, and you know it." Skipper was right, he had made the logical decision, but he'd left a penguin behind. Even against almost certain death, which happened surprisingly frequently, Skipper never left a penguin behind.

"I guess this is what you were like with the old team. You know, Manfridi and Johnson," The room fell silent. Skipper simply looked at him, his emotionless stare more terrifying than the harshest reprimand. Why wouldn't he just show some emotions for once! Still, he semi deserved it; Kowalski knew it was a low blow. The last time they'd spoken of the matter was a long time ago, and it hadn't ended well.

_Skipper tossed in his bunk, muttering incoherently every once and a while. _

_"Skipper." Kowalski whispered shaking him awake._

_"Don't move! I have you covered!" Skipper sat bolt upright in bed, panting._

_"Calm down Skipper, it was only a dream." Skipper took a few moments to calm down, then turned to his lieutenant._

_"Thank you Manfri… Kowalski, though in future, I would prefer if you didn't wake me unless I'm disturbing your sleep." Skipper replied curtly, lying down again._

_"Skipper, you were having a nightmare."_

_"I know. Go back to sleep."_

_"But, it sounded…"_

_"I know."_

_"But don't you want to be woken up, so you don't have to…"_

_"No."_

_"Why the mackerel not?!" Kowalski questioned, raising his voice slightly. Rico turned over in his sleep. Skipper sat up, glaring at him, though the fire in his eyes died soon after._

_"Because I deserve it." _

_"Come on Skipper, if it's about accidentally slapping Private off the floe yesterday, it was well… an accident." Kowalski replied, though he had a suspicion it was far more serious._

_"It's not about that. It's about some of the stuff I did, with the other team." Once again the two fell silent. He didn't mean the Other team._

_"I've heard stories…" Kowalski thought aloud. He shook his head, "I never believed them."_

_"Well, they were true." Kowalski stared at the leader, shocked. The stories he'd heard about how Skipper acted when he ran the other team were horrific._

_"I don't believe you would ever…"_

_"I like to think I've changed. I swore I would never be like that again."_

_"Skipper, you couldn't have…"_

_"Good night, Kowalski."_

"Well?" Kowalski asked, still glaring at his leader.

"I was a better leader then. Allowing emotions to get in the way of military decisions is unprofessional and sloppy."


	4. How to Avoid Insanely Painfull Tests

Kowalski stood on the concrete floe, waiting for the other two penguins, the moonlight shining in his feathers. Finally, they emerged from the HQ, Private carefully shutting the fishbowl behind him, careful not to make any kind of sound that would wake Skipper.

"I know why Skipper's been acting strangely," Kowalski stated, his back to the other penguins, watching the underwater lights painting strange patterns on the surface of the water, "It was the Anti-Party-er."

"But you said Skipper came out completely fine. He never suffered any of the side effects," Private protested, "He didn't turn into a zombie, there was no internal bleeding and his pulse was good."

"It was a side effect I didn't anticipate, but really should have. It took away his emotions. Remember how we always called him heartless, behind his back? Well, now, he's literally heartless."

"'aa u fix I'?" Rico asked.

"Yes. I've already have an antidote."

Private glanced at the scientist suspiciously. "Don't… um, when you make a mistake, don't you always try to… not be blamed?" Private asked tentatively.

"You're asking why I'm telling you?"

"Yes."

"Well, Skipper, under the influence of the Anti-Party-er, wasn't in control of his actions. Anything he said, or did… it wasn't him. I didn't want anyone to blame him, for something that wasn't his fault." The small group lapsed into silence, as they considered this new information.

Finally, Private broke the silence. "You know, it may have been a good thing this happened," Kowalski and Rico, looked at the younger bird, baffled, "Before this happened, I never realised just how much Skipper cares," the other penguins didn't seem to be catching on, so Private continued, "like when he made you fight with a wounded wing. He was just trying to make sure what happened to Manfridi and Johnson didn't happen to you."

"What about Marlene? It's hard to put a positive spin on the way he's always treated her, despite the fact it's pretty obvious he knows how she feels about him." Kowalski asked sceptically.

"He's been trying to protect her, all along. Don't you get it? Remember when Blowhole took Julian, because he thought he was Skipper's best friend? What would happen if Blowhole found out how Skipper feels about Marlene?" the two other penguins nodded. Private had a point.

"Ha' 'om ee slap oo?" Rico asked.

"Why do you?" Private definitely had a point there.

"Rico, you hypocrite…" Kowalski muttered.

"Eh!" Rico protested.

"Skipper…?" Skipper opened his eyes, the blurs of black and white slowly turning into his teammates. The penguin sat up in his bunk, rubbing his head.

"Is it over?" He asked, wincing as he discovered that talking made it feel like his head was going to explode.

"Yes, you should be back to normal," Kowalski replied, "Of course, I'm going to have to run a few insanely painful tests…" Suddenly Private pushed his way to the front of the group, carrying a gigantic bright pink cake.

"Happy back to normal day, Skippah!" the youngest penguin presented leader with a bright pink cake.

"A lunicorn cake, Private?" Skipper replied, trying to look stern, though the team could see he was hiding a smile.

Kowalski put down his clip board, "Right, um, forget what I said about tests."

"I'm sorry Marlene, for the way I acted. It was extremely rude and..." Skipper tossed his crudely drawn script across the room, "Oh mackerel, I can't do this." Still, Skipper knew he had to some time, "Right, take two," He muttered, standing in front of the mirror, "Marlene, you mean a lot to me, and I…" Skipper smashed the mirror with a single punch, "Deep fry it! I hate apologising."

"Marlene?" Skipper entered the dark cave. At first glance Marlene was nowhere to be seen. He switched on the light. Thump Thump Thump Thump… Thump… Thump… Thump Thump Thump. The patter repeated. Skipper knew that pattern: …-…=SOS in Morse code. He'd taught Marlene that one signal several years ago for safety reasons. Skipper listened for the sound. It seemed to be coming from the wardrobe. The surprisingly solid wood structure was locked. Still, that wasn't an obstacle a well-placed roundhouse kick couldn't solve.

The wood smashed inwards. Marlene stumbled out of the wardrobe.

"Skipper… It was horrible… the lobsters…" She shouted, desperately clinging to her rescuer.

"Calm down, Marlene. You're safe," Skipper comforted the terrified girls, "Now, tell me what happened."

"Lobsters… So many of them. They came charging in and shut me in there," Marlene pointed to the wardrobe, which was lined with some kind of green seaweed: soundproofing, "They said I had to tell you something… a set of numbers."

"What were they?" Skipper asked suspiciously.

"I… 23, 15, 4, 1…"

"Are they all the numbers?"

"No. Then he told me to remember two more sets. That something bad would happen if I didn't."

"What were they?" Skipper snapped. Marlene shrunk backwards, "Marlene, this is important. You need to tell me what they were." He continued in a softer tone.

"Well, the first was letters and numbers. M25b"

"And the second set?"

"40.7426017, -74.0284736"

"I though Private had gone out for a walk…" Kowalski protested.

"Well, Blowhole has him. He sent Private's Penguin ID numbers: 23rd group, 15th team, 4th in rank, 1st class. Nobody's seen him in several hours and Marlene's description of her captor fit Blowhole and his lobsters."

"Oh positrons…"

"He wants the map, the M25b."

"And 40.7426017, -74.0284736 are the co-ordinates for the Hoboken zoo. He wants to make a trade."

"Well, let's get the map."

"But, can we trust a dolphin?"

"Private's in danger," Skipper replied, "We've got no choice."


	5. Into the Sewers

Kowalski emerged from the elevator, holding a folded piece of paper in his wing.

"Have you got the map?" Skipper asked, his eyes red from lack of sleep.

"Yes…" Skipper had snatched the map from Kowalski's hand before the scientist had time to comprehend what was happening.

"Good." The leader turned around.

"Skipper?"

"Yes, Kowalski?"

"I don't suppose you've considered the fact we're almost certainly walking into a trap?" But the leader was already out the fishbowl, and onto the concrete floe above.

* * *

"Kowalski, what's the fastest way to get to Hoboken?" Skipper barked.

"Well, we can call a cab, knock out the driver and let Rico drive. We should get there in," Kowalski made a few calculations on his clipboard, "thirty to forty minutes."

"What about the sewers? We could bypass the traffic if we take your experimental rocket boat."

"'At's crazy!" Rico objected.

"Skipper, that would be suici…"

"Let's go." Skipper marched towards Kowalski's lab.

"The rocket boat is only a prototype. It has a 92% chance of exploding on contact with the water…"

"Is that insubordination?!" Skipper turned around, shooting daggers at his lieutenant.

"It's self-preservation! Taking the sewers will only save us five minutes at the most."

"Those are five minutes Private may not have. Now get the boat in the water!"

Kowalski pulled small object from the top shelf in his lab, and placed it in a dark blue knapsack.

"Hurry up Kowalski!" Skipper shouted.

"Yes sir." Kowalski replied, throwing the bag over his shoulder, exiting the HQ, then climbing down into a nearby manhole.

"What took you so long?!" Skipper demanded, nearly dislocating his lieutenant's wing as he pulled him into the boat.

"Extra weapons, sir."

"Give them to Rico." Skipper started the engine and began to taxi to the centre of the river of sewage. Rico extended a wing to swallow the contents of the backpack. Kowalski snatched it back, a nervous expression flashing across his face for less than a split second. Rico frowned. This was unusual behaviour.

"Um… I'd like to carry it myself." Kowalski gripped the backpack unnaturally tight. Rico shrugged.

"'Aa ever…" Rico was cut off when Skipper's foot hit the accelerator and the team was shot through the tunnel at an insane speed. Even Rico gripped the edge of his seat.

* * *

"Skipper, look out for the…!" Kowalski screamed, less than a second before the boat shot through the wire netting. At first Kowalski thought they were alright, but the unusual sound coming from the engine told him all was not well. He looked behind him, only to see the intake vent had been blocked, and semi shredded, by the remains of the wire net. This was one of the moments Kowalski was glad he was a scientist.

"Everybody out! Now!" He ordered, undoing the seatbelt, to find himself thrown from the vehicle by the tremendous speed. Thankfully, Skipper and Rico followed suit, for, no sooner had they bailed out of the vehicle, the jet engine exploded, the displaced air throwing them further down the tunnel.

"Sir?"

"Yeah?" Skipper replied somewhat dizzily.

"I told you it would blow up."

* * *

"Well that's just dandy!" Skipper muttered looking at the smoking remains of the boat, "Somebody _had _to put a net there!"

"Strange..." Kowalski scrutinised the wire net. It had obviously been fixed in place, not washed up by accident. As far as he knew, the humans were not in the habit of spreading wire nets across sewage tunnels, at least, he'd never see it done. That was when he noticed a plank of wood near his feet. He picked it up, examining it. It had the words: 'Danger Keep Out' written on it in red paint. Kowalski had only ever seen one sign like this in the sewers before, "Skipper, we really have to get out of here!" Suddenly, stereotypical evil laugh echoed through the tunnel.

"We set this net up to see if we could catch some fish," the gigantic figure emerged from the shadows of the tunnel, "Well, it looks like we caught ourselves some penguins," the figure cracked his knuckles, "I think it's time for a rematch!"

"Seventy simultaneous supernovas!" Kowalski exclaimed. Before them stood the gigantic form of the Rat King. If that wasn't bad enough, the Rat King and his followers were blocking the only exit; the smoking ruins of the boat blocked the other end of the tunnel. Skipper glared at the giant rat. He really didn't have time for this.

"Move aside!" Skipper demanded. The rats just laughed.

"You aren't getting this. You have to fight me to get through," The Rat King replied.

"Move aside." Skipper growled more forcefully.

"You win, you get through, you lose, you're dead." Skipper stepped forward. He had no choice.

* * *

Kowalski watched the fight, his concern growing with every punch. Skipper was losing. Skipper punched the giant rat in the stomach, but the rat barely noticed. However, Skipper had left himself completely open. Sure enough, the Rat King countered with a punch, which considering the fact the rat's hand was the size of Skipper's entire body, was not good. Kowalski winced, looking away as Skipper slammed into the floor. Still, Kowalski couldn't help but analyse his leader's technique, constantly calculating the probably outcome of the fight.

There was something wrong with the way Skipper was fighting, it had taken him a while to work it out, as it was subtle enough that, unless you knew Skipper well, it was unnoticeable. Skipper's attacks weren't the flowing, and well placed combinations of attacks Kowalski was used to. The fighting wasn't intelligent, the technique was sloppy. Skipper had fought the Rat King many times, yet didn't seem to be using any of the knowledge he had gained from those encounters, nor did he seem to be adjusting to the other's fighting style, as Skipper would if he had never fought him before. He was blindly, angrily, lashing out, not paying attention to what he was doing. It was as Kowalski had feared, Skipper's worry for his youngest teammate was distracting him.

Kowalski knew what he had to do. In fact, he had semi anticipated it. He reached into his backpack, which had, amazingly, survived the crash, and pulled out the object he had taken from his lab earlier, and aimed it at Skipper.


	6. Desparate Measures

While dissecting the Anti-party-er, Kowalski had discovered that much of the device, in fact, was unnecessary. Though he intended to destroy the machine, he had already been considering the damage it could do in Blowhole's hands, he just had to fix that one relatively small error, before he could put the project to rest. After stripping away the unnecessary parts, the machine came to about the size of the garden variety ray gun. He had then left it on the top shelf of his lab, awaiting destruction.

In that split second it took Kowalski to raise the Anti-party-er II, he had gone through all this, and all the possible consequences of his decision. That was probably the reason why, he couldn't bear to pull the trigger. Kowalski simply stood there, gun wing raised, the sight (why he'd even added that was a mystery) trained on his leader.

The only good thing about Skipper's poor fighting was that he made an easy target, though that didn't make Kowalski's decision any easier; Kowalski almost wished Skipper had been moving too fast to fire at, as this would have made his decision for him. The logical part of his brain knew this was Skipper's only hope, yet he couldn't bare to see Skipper so cold and emotionless, not to mention the fact that it could put them in even more danger than they already were: Skipper might deem Private an acceptable loss and order them to return to HQ, or sacrifice one of them to complete the mission.

Kowalski lowered his wing: he couldn't do it.

"Do it Kowalski!" Kowalski looked up. Skipper's voice had that commanding edge he was well known for, despite the fact he was barely avoiding being pounded into pulp.

"I… I… I can't," Kowalski stuttered, "You don't know what it…"

"I know exactly what it is…" Skipper jumped back, the giant rat's fist creating a miniature crater in the ground where he had stood only a fraction of a second before, "… Now use it before Mr Lab Rat gets lucky!" Kowalski knew that was a direct order, something all the ethical questions in the world couldn't override.

Skipper was thrown backwards by the beam, and now lay unconscious only a few meters from his attacker.

"Didn't see that one coming…" the Rat King muttered, astonished. Soon, however, the shock of the unexpected help wore off, and the giant rat began to slowly advance towards the vulnerable penguin, "Well, well, well, looks like I win." Kowalski was unable to take his eyes off the scene. Come on Skipper, wake up… The rat continued to approach, Skipper showing no signs of regaining consciousness.

Kowalski pulled out his clipboard reviewing the calculations he had made on the probabilities of the various side effects, and the longest possible recovery time. The scientist glanced nervously back at Skipper. He should have woken up, and the Rat King was only a few meters away. Kowalski read through the notes again. Due to the modifications he'd made it shouldn't have even knocked him out.

"One down, four to go." The rat announced triumphantly, raising his fist above the unconscious penguin. Kowalski shut his eyes, waiting for the crunch of Skipper's bones shattering. The Rat King's fist hit the ground.

Suddenly, there was a blur of black and white, and the Rat King found himself falling head over heels into the central canal of water, striking his head on the bottom. Skipper stood a few meters from the edge, watching to make sure the enemy was truly down.

"Move." Skipper demanded. The rats parted as the four penguins walked towards the manhole behind.

"Sir?" Kowalski asked. Skipper had decided to follow Kowalski's original plan, commandeering a taxi, but not allowing Rico to drive. Kowalski had convinced him to continue with the mission, explaining that Blowhole had, for once, revealed his location, making this an opportune moment to attack, and that Private had been carrying top secret information prior to his abduction. The last of these was a lie, but he'd come up with something.

"Yes Lieutenant."

"I was wondering… you were out for a minute and a half… you should only have been unconscious for a maximum of thirty seconds, if at all, sir."

"Playing possum, Lieutenant," Skipper replied, keeping his eyes on the road, "Rat King would be unlikely to keep his guard up against a seemingly helpless enemy."

"Are you sure, sir? Extended unconsciousness is consistent with the unlikely side affect of…"

"Quite sure, Lieutenant. Speaking of the Anti-party-er II, I think it would be safer if I kept it."

"Sir?"

"You and Blowhole often boast about technology. If you kept charge of the device, you might feel tempted to show it off to the enemy. This would be unacceptable."

"What about Rico?"

"Questioning a direct order could be interpreted as insubordination," Kowalski shrunk back in his seat as Skipper simply looked at him, not giving any indication of what he was thinking, but Kowalski could guess, "I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer your question: Rico rarely checks just what weapon he is wielding before shooting. Due to the fact that, depending on the person, the effects of the Anti-party-er II on the enemy may not be in our favour, Rico randomly firing on the enemy is a possible liability." Kowalski handed Skipper the device. He really had no choice: he could hand it over, or have it forcibly taken when Skipper deemed him insubordinate. All he could do was hope that Skipper's motives were only those he'd said.


	7. A Rescue Mission?

"Hand over the map and I'll give you back your Private, it's that simple." Blowhole repeated, exasperated.

"No." Skipper answered in his monotonous voice. Blowhole looked at him as if he was out of his mind. The dolphin and the penguins stood opposite each other on the floor of the empty pool. They'd reached the inevitable point in their confrontations, in which the Penguins had diffused all the traps, but Blowhole had yet to be subdued.

"Is he crazy?" Blowhole asked, the question directed at no one in particular.

"Skippers…not quite himself today," Kowalski replied, "I'm quite happy to do a deal…"

"Do you have the map?"

"No."

"Then no deal," Blowhole's attention shifted back to Skipper, "Now, do you want me to kill your Private or not?" However, Skipper wasn't listening.

"Kowalski, just what manor of information is Private carrying?" He whispered to Kowalski.

"Important information… absolutely not expendable information!" Kowalski replied hurriedly, "Now, give up the map, then we can go home and get you back to normal."

"Hm…" Kowalski began to wonder if the Anti-party-er had any effect on intelligence. Suddenly, Skipper stepped forward, a folded piece of paper, the map, in his wing.

Skipper extended the map. Immediately, though not unexpectedly, Blowhole snatched it from his wing, laughing maniacally. A small, shiny metal object flew out of the papers, landing directly in front of Private in the cage behind. However, Blowhole quickly dismissed this as a spare coin that had also been in Rico's stomach, which had managed to fall into the folded paper.

"Definitely has a negative effect on intelligence," Kowalski muttered, wondering just how he was going to get himself and Private out of this one.

"Well, Skipper, now I have the map, and your little pen-gu-in," Blowhole laughed. However, his laughter died down quickly enough when he discovered that the retreating skipper was not screaming in terror or annoyance, but laughing.

"I think you'll find it's the other way around." The dolphin's expression was almost comical as he realised that it had not been spare change that had flown from the map. Frantically, Blowhole looked behind him, only to see an empty cage, a lock pick on the floor in front of it. When he looked back at the penguins, Private was standing behind his leader.

"I still have the map!" He shouted desperately.

"Check again." Blowhole quickly unfolded his sole bargaining chip, only to find that it was a blank sheet of paper, "You…!" However, the penguins were long gone.

"Whe'r ee goin'?" Rico protested as the penguins shook up their soda bottles for take-off, "Wha' arn' we catch…"

"He had the home turf advantage. There's no point," Skipper answered, "once he recovered from his shock he'd have all kinds of escape routes. We'd have just been wasting our time."

"K'walski, you didn't…?" Private's eyes displayed a concerned, and slightly fearful expression. For all the penguin knew, Skipper would suddenly decide that he wasn't worth the soda, take his jetpack and leave him there.

"It was necessary, but I assure you the situation is under control." Kowalski replied, though his reply sounded more like denial.

"Less talk more escape!" skipper ordered, shooting off into the sky.

* * *

"I'm here." a figure stepped out of the darkened subway station. That particular station had been closed for years, but the penguin was able to sneak through the tunnels to meet the arch nemesis without Skipper thinking he was doing anything but routine sewer tunnel repair.

"I've kept my part of the bargain, I went through with the ridiculous kidnapping, and didn't harm a single pen-gu-in," Blowhole replied grudgingly.

"If I find so much as a pin prick…"

"I know, you'll hunt me down, kill me in some horrific way, etc. etc.," Blowhole interrupted, "Now, where's my payment?"

"Right here," the penguin handed the dolphin a couple of folded pieces of squared paper. Blowhole snatched it from his wings, and shuffled through them, making sure they were all there.

"This was a one off, don't think I'll do this again. I'm not for sale."

"And you're never going to get stuck on another one of your sciency inventions again," The penguin smirked.

"Don't push me…"

"It was a one off for me too." The penguin reassured, walking back towards the station.

"One more thing," the penguin turned around. His façade of bravery was already starting to crumble, and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

"Yes?"

"Don't you think you're a little new at this to be bribing super criminals?"

"You wanted the algorithm," the penguin answered, giving his tone a bit more attitude. It made him feel more in control of the situation. He then disappeared into the darkness of the abandoned station.

* * *

Kowalski paced his lab. Everything was working according to plan, except for Skipper taking the invention. He had to say, he was relived at the way things had turned out. He'd been frantically buying time, desperately hoping the object would re-appear. He had to admit, if only to himself, it was Private, who, weather he knew it or not, though he doubted he did, had given him the idea. If Skipper had realised what he'd done, he doubted he'd still be on the team.

**I'm sorry for taking so long to update, but I had the worst case of writer's block. Hopefully, updates should be more frequent now. I was inspired to send the story in the mystery direction by an old movie called Witness for the Prosecution (that should give you a bit of a clue if you want to try and guess what's going on).**


	8. The Guilty Party

Rico grumpily dragged the wreckage of the boat down the sewer, fighting against the current. Only a few more feet to go… Finally, after reaching his destination, Rico dragged the broken object up onto the walk way at the side of the tunnel.

"Oh, um, Rico, you really didn't need to do that!" Kowalski climbed down into the sewer tunnel.

"'ipper's orders."

"Well, I'm pretty sure what caused the malfunction, no need to do any kind of examination." Kowalski rushed over to the remains of the boat and began to try to push it back into the current.

"'ey! Ah carry tha' five miles!" Rico protested.

"Kowalski, regardless of how obvious the reason for the crash, it is regulation to carry out a proper investigation." Skipper interrupted in his usual monotone.

"Sir!"

"Don't question me. For that, Lieutenant, you get to assist Rico in taking the parts back to the zoo. By that I mean all the parts. If anything drops off, or you try to remove anything to make the job easier, I will be doing the next couple of week's sparing demonstrations on the both of you." That said, Skipper climbed out through the manhole into Marlene's habitat, and left.

"Ah thinkin' he nee' go back oo normal." Rico grumbled. Kowalski just about jumped out of his skin, but said nothing

* * *

"Come on Skippah, it really is about time we got you back to normal," Private coaxed.

"And return this unit to the shambles it used to be?" Skipper retorted, a flicker of fear crossing his face, "Not an option."

"The antidote wasn't that bad. Come on Skippah, you might not see it now, but things were better before."

"'A enough. Ah doin' I' mah way!" Rico could see this method wasn't working, and regurgitated a flamethrower, "Drin' the an'idote!" Skipper was backed into a corner, or so Rico thought. Suddenly, the leader shot up the ladder next to him.

"Whoops," Kowalski tripped over, the vial containing the antidote flew from the penguin's wings into the fire, "Oh well, I guess he's going to have to stay that way for a while. There's no more antidote."

"Yes there is, there's the spare sample you keep behind the fish trophy," Private corrected.

"Oh yeah, that antidote." Kowalski admitted, walking a little slower than necessary towards the fish and opening the door. Rico removed the two spare vials and the penguins resumed chase after their leader.

"Skipper, what are you doing?" Marlene asked.

"Classified." He answered.

"Who are you hiding from? Maybe I can help…"

"If you have a better hiding place than the roof of your habitat," skipper looked down at the otter, "It is your duty to disclose it."

"Skipper, I don't know what's wrong with you…" Marlene almost had tears in her eyes. Kowalski had explained what had happened, that Skipper really had feelings for her, he just wasn't himself. She wished he would go back to normal. She didn't know if it was some cruel twist of fate, if she was supposed to learn some kind of lesson from this, but she couldn't stand it anymore.

"Look, Marlene…" for a split second, an expression of pain flashed across Skipper's face, though he quickly corrected this, "would you please show me that hiding spot, ma'am."

"Skipper…"

"There he is!" Private shouted. Immediately the three penguins ran towards the roof of Marlene's cave, "throw the net, Rico." Rico tossed the weighted net he was holding, entangling the fugitive penguin as he attempted to escape. Skipper pulled at the net, but only succeeded in entangling himself further.

"I really wish you would just take the formula," Private leant forward attempting to force the liquid down his leader's throat. Suddenly Private was thrown forward as Kowalski tripped, slamming into the shorter penguin. The liquid slipped from the penguin's grasp, smashing on the ground, "K'walski!"

"Sorry, my bad." The penguin replied. When the penguins looked back at the leader, he was gone; having used one of the shards of glass to cut himself free.

* * *

"Oh Higgs Boson, I've done it again!" Kowalski watched as the final vial was crushed under Bada's foot, the gorilla not even noticing, "Clumsy me."

"'eah ri'." Rico grabbed Kowalski by his neck, slamming him against the wall, "Wah oo up too?"

"Nothing!" Kowalski protested. Rico turned Kowalski to face Bada and Bing. The message was clear: talk, or I throw you in the middle of their pile of bananas, and then you will be in a whole new world of pain.

"Fine!" Kowalski panicked, "I lost the mug! I lost Skipper's mug! Back when you were all out of the HQ, I don't know how, it just disappeared. I kept trying to buy time until I could find it, but I was running out of excuses!"

"Wha' oo talkin' abou'?"

"When Private was kidnapped, I saw the perfect opportunity. I knew Blowhole wouldn't kill him even if we were days late, he wanted the map too badly, so I set the boat to break down as soon as we hit rat territory. The net was there, so I never ended up using it, but it was still there in the wreckage! Even someone with no knowledge of mechanics would see it.

"I knew that if Skipper had to fight the Rat King in his emotional state, he'd start to lose. Then he'd ask to be shot with the ray. After he was devoid of emotions, I could tell him I lost the mug, and he wouldn't care. If he didn't rescue Private, I could always do a separate deal with Blowhole. I've got plenty of tech he wants."

"So why oo try an' stop us?" Rico asked.

"I hadn't told Skipper about the mug yet," Rico growled. Now Kowalski had destroyed their total supply of the antidote, because he was over reacting about a mug. Skipper would be mad, but not that mad, "Don't worry, I can make more!"

"Well, tell him about the mug then, and turn him back to normal." Private stated. Rico released Kowalski, who dropped to the ground, gasping for air.


	9. Case Not Closed

"When's the antidote going to be ready, K'walski?" Private asked, poking his head into the lab.

"Oh, the antidote!" Kowalski exclaimed, "I completely forgot about that. I was working on the Rico Interpreter."

"The Rico Interpreter?"

"You know, so Rico can finally be an opera singer."

"Oh yes, though I'm not sure we'd like what Rico would have to say." Private replied. After all, if Rico's actions were any indicator of his language… Well, he'd be slapped a lot for using 'angry words' in front of the Private, "Anyway, whenever the antidote's ready…"

"About that, I'll need the Anti-Party-er, and well, skipper has it," Kowalski replied, "I asked him for it, and well, he said it was still safer if he kept it. Would you mind asking him?"

"Does Skipper know the Anti-Party-er is essential to the antidote?"  
"No more than you did forty seconds ago." Kowalski replied.

"Did Skipper give it to you?" Kowalski asked as the younger bird returned.

"'fraid not," Private replied, empty winged, "He says if it ever got into the wrong hands, hinting at yours and Ringtail's, the results wouldn't be good."

"Very funny." Kowalski commented dryly.

"He really did say that," Private replied, regretting his truthfulness as he realised he may have hurt the scientist's feelings.

"Lieutenant?" the two penguins immediately shot to their feet at the sound of the voice.

"Good morning sir." The two replied in unison.

"Cut the flattery," Skipper barked, "Alright, at ease soldiers," The two penguins relaxed, but not too much, "You are dismissed, Private. Now, lieutenant?" the younger penguin left the lab, giving Kowalski a pitying look.

"Yes sir?"

"How do you repair a PIR?"

"A passive infra-red sensor?"

"A Portable Invisibility Ray. How do you fix a damaged control chip?" Kowalski was surprised Skipper even knew what a Portable Invisibility Ray was, never mind the basics of how one worked.

"If you want I can replace…"

"If you can tell me how and give me a replacement that will suffice." Skipper replied curtly. Kowalski slapped himself; this had to be some kind of bizarre dream. How did Skipper even get an invisibility ray? Kowalski looked at the shelves stocked with inventions behind him. No, all of his were there.

"Am I boring you, lieutenant?"

"No sir." Kowalski's wing glided across his workspace until he found the desired part, "Just slide connect this to the…"

"It's an A155." Skipper replied.

"An A155?!" Kowalski could barely believe what he was hearing. They were practically antiques. Nobody used them. He'd had one, but he'd cannibalised it for parts.

"Yes Lieutenant. Would you like me to describe it for you?"

"No… it's just, I don't have a replacement part. I used the control chip for the Anti-Party-er," Kowalski replied, "If you want, I can take a look at it and see what I can improvise."

"I'll check the farm. The Blue Hen might have one."

"The Blue Hen!? She'll…"

"I am perfectly capable of taking a small chip." Skipper marched out of the HQ.

* * *

Marlene swam laps across the pool, paying no attention to what she was doing, her mind elsewhere. Swimming often helped her to relax, though she doubted that even Private would have any comforting effect on her. It had started again. Skipper was, as Kowalski put it 'not himself'. Again. She wasn't sure what was worse: when he outright ignored her for days on end and she would wish for nothing more than for him to simply talk to her, or when he did speak to her, and would say something that would make her wish he'd never said anything. Private had told her repeatedly, this wasn't Skipper talking, but what if it was? Kowalski had explained that Skipper was simply devoid of emotions, but she had seen the concern on his face.

"Skipper?" She looked up at the penguin passing the habitat.

"Ma'am?" He replied formally.

"It's a lovely day today, isn't it?" Marlene knew Skipper, even in his normal state, was no fan of small talk, but she just wanted to talk to him. To have his attention.

"Yes. It is."

"So… how are things at the HQ?"

"Not quite up to standard."

"No?"

"No."

"Um…" Marlene struggled for something to talk about.

"Is there something you would like to ask, ma'am?" he asked, indicating that his time was not to be wasted.

"Oh yes, the entrance to the sewer, I think it wasn't sealed when Kowalski and Rico took the wreckage of that, what was it, a rocket boat? Anyway, could you check it?"

"Alright, but I caution you that next time, all security matters must be dealt with first." Skipper climbed over the fence and into the habitat. He inspected the manhole, "It looks like it is welded shut, ma'am."

"Skipper…?" Marlene had had enough of this. She knew somewhere, no matter how buried away, skipper still cared. Maybe she didn't need those crazy potions and gadgets. Maybe…

"Ma'am?!" Skipper exclaimed as Marlene threw herself at the penguin, kissing him on the beak. Finally, he pushed her away, though instead of the lecture about wasting time she was expecting, he looked around cautiously, making sure they were alone, "I'm sorry Marlene, but I'm working on something," he looked down at his feet.

"I don't understand…"

"You don't need to." skipper gave her one last smile, before climbing over the railing. Immediately, all traces of any effect the conversation had on him disappeared, and resumed his course.

* * *

The penguin trudged through the empty station, its graffiti covered walls and 1940s décor a perfectionist interior decorator's nightmare. He slid under the disused turnstiles and climbed the steps where Blowhole was waiting.

"What are you doing here?" Blowhole asked the penguin.

"I followed the instructions," The penguin replied, "But something went wrong…"

"The confession makes no difference."

"They won't trace this back to me?" The shorter conspirator asked nervously.

"No they won't. Why would they?"

"Well, doesn't the confession take them one step closer to what's really going on?"

"No, it's actually better for us. They think the case is closed now, and won't look any further."

"Oh. Alright."

"I've got another meeting in a couple of minutes. Next time, don't contact me about something so trivial." The penguin turned back to the station, returning to the tunnels.


	10. Another Confession?

_ "__Five more minutes and I'm leaving." Blowhole grumbled._

_"__Oh, dreadfully sorry for being late." A penguin stepped out of the abandoned subway station._

_"__You?!" Blowhole exclaimed, turning around. _

_"__Um, yes… me." Private replied, trying not to seem afraid, which was hard. He'd never spoken to someone like Blowhole before, without Skipper or Rico behind him._

_"__Where's Kowalski?" Blowhole asked._

_"__What do you mean?"_

_"__The pen-gu-in who contacted me said they had the missing Destabiliser algorithm?"_

_"__I do. I… copied it." Blowhole could see the young penguin didn't have the papers on him, but from what he knew, Private would rarely tell a lie, and if he did, it was pretty obvious._

_"__You stole it." Blowhole smirked._

_"__I… copied it, not stole it." Private denied._

_"__Euphemism. Well, what do you want?" Blowhole asked, though he had a feeling he knew._

_"__Have you heard about Skippah's unusual behaviour?"_

_"__Yes." Blowhole answered cautiously. The young penguin might simply have been sent by Skipper to find out just how much a threat his new mind-set posed._

_"__Well, Skippah's back to normal but…"_

_"__But what?"_

_"__But… I think it might happen again. Kowalski said he would destroy the Anti-Party-er, but I know he didn't. Skipper knows too but, he doesn't care."_

_"__So you think Kowalski might continue to mess around with it and accidentally blast all of you?" Blowhole finished; the kid was taking a long time to state the obvious._

_"__Yes. I want to make sure… they destroy it for real, and never rebuild it."_

_"__Why come to me?"_

_"__You're the only other person I know, apart from K'walski, who knows all that sciency stuff." Private replied nervously._

_"__I understand." Blowhole replied thoughtfully._

_"__You do?"_

_"__Of course I do. I'll help you. After all, Skipper's new objectiveness was… damaging to me," Blowhole looked down at the penguin, betraying no emotions. He was obviously smarter than Skipper had given him credit for. The penguin had already come up with a plan, understood the expertise needed to pull it off, and was canny enough to work on a need to know basis, "So, what do you want me to do?"_

_"__Well, I was hoping you could come up with some kind of plan to… you know, make them realise how dangerous the Anti-Party-er is." Blowhole could barely contain his laughter. Private really was as naïve as Skipper complained. Maybe it would be better that way, for him, at least._

_"__Alright, I'll help you in exchange for the Destabiliser plans. Now, follow my instructions to the letter. I still get the plans if it fails because you mess up."_

Private winced at the memory. How could he manipulate his own team? He'd often tried to justify it by telling himself it was the only way, that he was doing it for their own good, or that he wasn't really manipulating them, he was just following Blowhole's instructions. But then he'd instructed Blowhole to give him those instructions.

_ "__Are you sure about this?" Private asked cautiously. Private and the dolphin were stood just outside the central park zoo, "You won't hurt…"_

_"__For the last time, why would I hurt her? I need her to remember the numbers." Blowhole answered, nearing the edge of his patience._

_"__Hm… you do have a point, but are you sure Kowalski will sabotage the boat?"_

_"__Did you take the mug?"_

_"__Yes."_

_"__When you 'accidentally overheard' Kowalski moaning about losing it, did you joke that two hours ago, when Skipper was under the influence of the Anti-Party-er, he wouldn't have cared?"_

_"__Yes."_

_"__Then you have nothing to worry about. Kowalski as usual only thinks two steps ahead, no more, no less. He'll do just as I predicted."_

Private remembered how exciting it had been at the time. He normally prided himself on being completely honest, doing only the right thing, but that only made doing something bad, although relatively safe and for a good cause, more tempting. Private slapped himself. How could he think like that? Private switched on the telly, flicking through the channels until he came to one playing reruns of the Lunacorns season three. Hopefully, this would quash his guilty feelings.

"What do I do?" Princess Self-Respectra asked, facing the screen, "I've taken Prince Shares-a-lot's favourite ice skates and I don't know what to do? If I keep them, then he won't be able to go to the winter ice skating ball, but if I give them back he'll be so mad at me for keeping them to myself and pretending I didn't know where they were?!" The Lunicorn paused, and for once, Private didn't know what to shout out, "Of course! Honesty!" The animated character answered. Private was too focused on finding out the answer to his own problem to question how the character had managed to solve the problem without his input. He'd often told Skipper, that he had to watch the Lunicorns because otherwise they wouldn't know what to do, "Telling the truth and saying you're sorry is always the best thing, no matter what." Private switched of the TV. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

Private followed the now familiar path through the tunnels towards the abandoned station. When he reached the platform, he grabbed the rope he'd placed on his second visit (he didn't want Blowhole to have to pull him up every time) and climbed to the platform. Had he looked behind him at this point, he would have noticed a figure standing in the shadows of the tunnel. The figure then darted forward to the next shadow, then the next, following the penguin. Private reached the top of the steps, where Blowhole was waiting, the uninvited guest staying just within earshot.

"You what!" Blowhole exclaimed.

"I'm not going through with the rest of the plan. I'm going to tell the others what I've done and hope they forgive me." Private replied.

"I don't know what's gotten into your head, but if you don't go through with the plan, they won't destroy the Anti-Party-er."

"Hopefully, when I explain how far I've gone to make sure they destroy it, they will start to consider just how dangerous it is…"

"And keep it as a weapon."

"Skippah would never…"

"Poor naïve Private," Blowhole interrupted, "You really think it's everyone's objective is to make the world a better place. Well, it's not. Look at me, what have I devoted my life to?"

"You may not realise it, but somewhere, deep down, you are really a good person…"

"Yeah right."

"You helped me." Private argued.

"We temporarily shared the same goals. Face it Pen-gu-in, you're the only one who's actually trying to do the right thing, and doing it the wrong way."

"That's not true," Private stormed back down the steps towards the tunnels, "You just want to believe that everyone is like you, so you won't have to admit that you need to change."

"Come back in two years' time and tell me if you still believe that."

"I can only feel sorry for you," Private turned back to face Blowhole, "You'll never understand what it's like to have true friends, since you can only see the bad in people. You'll never be able to enjoy a sunrise, because you'll think it's out to get you." Private stormed down the rest of the steps and disappeared off into the tunnels. The shadowy figure didn't follow.

The watcher emerged from the shadows as soon as Private left.

"I'm guessing I don't have to get you up to speed?" Blowhole asked.

"No. I heard everything. Private makes a lot of noise when he's trying to sneak 'silently' out of the HQ," the shadowy figure replied, approaching, "So, when do we kill him?"


	11. Come Into My Parlour

Private was seated at the table along with the other penguins, eating their breakfast in silence. Skipper had often told them that unnecessary conversation only increased the probability that, should an enemy have managed to bug their hideout, that they would hear something useful. Finally, Private finished his breakfast, and sat at the table waiting for Skipper to return to the room and give the order that he could leave.

"Good breakfast, Private?" an unfamiliar voice asked. Private looked up. No, that was impossible. Rico couldn't talk, and he certainly didn't sound like that.

"What do you think, Private?" Kowalski asked, smiling at Private's confused expression.

"What have you…?"

"I've done it Private!" Kowalski answered proudly, "My first completely successful so far no hidden dangers invention: the Rico Interpreter!"

"Yeah!" Rico grinned, then suddenly his expression changed. He started coughing, like something stuck in his throat hurt him. His mouth began to glow an electric blue…

"Spit it out, Rico!" Kowalski commanded. Immediately Rico regurgitated the object (along with a sledge hammer, a rubber duck, and a flamethrower) which immediately burst into flames.

"Hubble's telescope, the cooling system again!" Kowalski moaned taking a look at the device, "Every single time, the cooling wire burns right through, like it was cut with a knife. Oh well, back to the drawing board. If only I could find the original prototype; that one worked."

* * *

The episode of the lunicorns ended. Private sighed. He'd been stalling long enough.

"Um, Skippah?"

"Yes Private?" Skipper replied, looking up from the battle plan he was working on.

"Permission to address the team?"

"Permission granted." Private stood up, switching off the TV before Rico could change it to shirtless ninjas.

"I have to confess something. I've been…"

"ey, wha' goin' o'?" Rico jumped up from his seat, interrupting Private.

"Rico, would you please pay attention?" Private protested.

"No, listen…" Kowalski put his ear to the ground.

"It sounds like the alligator is sleep walking once again." Skipper answered dully.

"No, it sounds more like a quick patter of very small…" Suddenly the answer dawned on him, "Rats!"

"Alright men, we don't know what the rats are up to so this mission is strictly covert," Skipper informed, standing before the group, "Team Alpha will enter the sewers, taking with them a camera, microphone and Geiger counter. You will be far more lightly armed as the equipment is heavy already, and further armaments would cause more noise."

"Unless we send Rico." Kowalski added.

"Do not interrupt me, lieutenant," Skipper snapped, "Now, for such a delicate operation, it is necessary to have a backup team: Team Beta. Since it is the Rats' practice to capture before killing, Team Beta will be on hand to rescue Team Alpha, should they be captured. Team Beta will also analyse the readings sent by Team Alpha. Any questions?"

"Um, sir?" Kowalski raised his wing, "Wouldn't it be more effective if we all went in?"

"Negative," Skipper replied, "we don't know what we are dealing with yet, it could be a full scale invasion, or they could just be picking a new carpet. Should the worst case scenario happen, and we are all captured due to us going in as one, there would be no one left to protect the zoo. Also, by having a second team specifically dedicated to processing the data, which is not in the field, they are more likely to be able to keep their focus on the data alone. Understood?"

"Yes sir." Kowalski answered.

"Good. Kowalski will obviously have to be part of Team Beta, due to his specialised skills…"

"As suggested earlier, I recommend that Rico be part of Team Alpha." Kowalski added.

"Suggestion noted, Lieutenant, though if you interrupt me again I will have you suspended. Now…"

"Ah wan' go 'ith Priv'te." Rico shouted, jumping up and down and waving his wing in the air like a child.

"I was about to announce that, Rico," Skipper answered, "Private is by far the most expendable, and so the best choice for the mission."

"What about you, Skippah?" Private asked. He hated it, as it was clear Kowalski also did, when Skipper talked about him being expendable.

"Considering the fact I am the only member of the team with experience in solo field work, and as Kowalski's leadership has proven, time and time again, inadequate…"

"That's not…!" Kowalski protested.

"…I would seem a good choice for Team Beta. Does anyone find a flaw in my logic? I didn't think so. Alright, Team Alpha, the lieutenant will provide you with equipment, and you may set out."

_"Won't they know I did it?" the penguin asked._

_"No, we have to make sure it looks like and accident," Blowhole answered, "No… too obvious. Hm… I think we'll give him the honour of allowing him to die in the line of duty, desperately trying to save an unconscious teammate," Blowhole smiled deviously, "You know, I only started using the boy because 'scheming with an evil villain' well, would be something he wouldn't want any of you to find that out. He'd make a decent agent."_

_"If you plan on blackmailing me, I don't exactly care. I'm a crazy psycho, remember."_

"They seem to be planning something," Private noted. The two penguins lay atop the lattice of pipes covering the ceiling, looking down on the rats.

"y' don' say," Rico muttered sarcastically, "'ey 'ipper," Rico picked up the radio, "Kaboom?"

"_Do you know what they're planning, sergeant?" _Skipper replied.

"Nah."

"_Report your findings, otherwise maintain radio silence. Understood?"_

"'eah." Rico turned back to the rats they were watching. Suddenly Private felt himself pushed forward.

"Rico!" Private hissed, desperately trying to keep his balance, eventually resuming his original position. Of course the psycho would 'accidentally'  
drop them into the fight; it was just too tempting for him. The pipe most of the two's weight was supported on started to creak. Private looked down. It was missing several bolts!

The pipe started to bend at a dangerous angle, and suddenly, SNAP! It disconnected, throwing the two penguins to the ground. Private managed to land on his feet. Rico… wasn't so lucky.

"Well, what do we have here?" the rat king took a step towards them, cracking his knuckles menacingly.

"Come on Rico, wake up!" Private shouted, shaking his unconscious teammate, but he didn't even stir, "Rico…" Suddenly the ground around him turned dark. He looked up only to find himself in the giant lab rat's shadow. This wasn't good.


	12. Nerd Extraordinair to the Rescue (Again)

"Kowalski, check the base defences," Skipper ordered, "I'll keep watch on the audio/video feed."

"Yes sir." Kowalski set off across the room towards the machine displaying the controls for the base's security. Skipper moved to the chair Kowalski had just vacated, set down the crossbow he'd been carrying, just in case, on the table, and hit the mute button for the computer. Kowalski began to turn around, "Sir, I don't see anything unusual about…"

"Don't take your eyes off it, something might come up." Skipper barked. Kowalski turned back to the screen. Suddenly Kowalski's phone, set on the table next to Skipper started to vibrate.

"Hm, my reset water thermostat for the evening drop in temperature shouldn't have gone off this early…" Kowalski turned back to the computer behind him, reaching for the handheld device to reset the alarm, his eye's drifting to the monitor, though at the sight of what was being displayed, this became his centre of attention, "Great James Clerk Maxwell!" Kowalski started towards the fishbowl entrance, only to find Skipper had blocked his path, "What are you doing Skipper? Private and Rico are in danger!"

"I know," Skipper answered in his monotone, "I can't let you go after them."

"Skipper, Private needs…"

"I know. But I'm ordering you to remain here. Private's circumstances are unfortunate, and he will be remembered as a hero."

"He's not dead yet Skipper, we could get to him in time…"

"I know," Kowalski looked at him as if he'd gone insane. When he'd tried to leave Private behind before, the move was logical, but there was no danger in going to rescue Private, yet Skipper seemed determined to prevent him from doing just that. Kowalski tried to move around Skipper, though the penguin simply moved to block his way. It was then Kowalski noticed the crossbow on the table. Kowalski grabbed the object, snapped the point of the arrow off in the same movement, and loaded and fired it at the wall just behind Skipper. The arrow ricocheted off the wall, hitting the leader in the back of the head stunning him just long enough for Kowalski to type a two words into the security system's computer interface: Quarantine protocol, run past his leader and up the ladder as the bases doors automatically shut, the locks airtight.

Kowalski raced towards Marlene's habitat and the entrance to the sewers. He'd installed the Quarantine Protocol after what he thought was an outbreak of zombies. Of course, Skipper wasn't really a zombie, but it had made him realise there was the possibility of one of them going rogue, weather intentionally, due to mind control, or powerful topical muscle relaxants, the possibility was still there. Now, well, he was pretty glad he'd installed it. Now Skipper would be, hopefully, locked in the HQ, until the door was unlocked by his, and another penguin's flipper print.

"Kowalski, what's…?" Marlene asked.

"Notimetotalkhavetogettothese wersNOW…!" he answered faster than the otter could understand, lifting the manhole cover, using the crossbow as leverage.

* * *

Kowalski nervously flipped through the pages of his clipboard. There was no way he and Private could take all the rats head on, and he'd used his only arrow on skipper, so he gave up on that plan. He'd also considered jumping down and leading the rats away from Private, but private wasn't strong enough to drag the still unconscious Rico away before the rats got back, and then there was the question of how he would get himself out. That was when he spotted the Geiger counter. Private had put it down before he'd fallen, so it was still there, atop the lattice of pipes. Kowalski now knew exactly what he was going to do. He carefully, and noiselessly, picked up the device, then removed the back, using a scrap of metal as a makeshift screwdriver. He just had to hope at least one of the rats down there had some brains.

Kowalski stumbled into the large room in which the rats were gathered, fighting their way to the centre of the group to see if they would be able to get in a punch or a kick at the unfortunate penguin before he died of his injuries. Suddenly, the hundreds of heads turned towards the Kowalski.

"Looks like we've got ourselves another punching bag!" the Rat King exclaimed. Suddenly, the clicking sounds the device Kowalski was holding began to get louder and more frequent, faster and faster. The rats stopped, "Hey, what's that you're holding?"

"A Geiger counter," Kowalski answered, still focused on the device. He frowned, "No, no, this isn't good…"

"You bet it isn't. When we're through with you…"

"No, not that. It's these readings..."

"What readings?"

"These," Kowalski turned the device around, the needle fluctuating in and out of the red zone, "I suspected the humans were dumping radioactive waste in the sewers…"

"Radio what?" one of the other rats asked.

"Radioactive waste." Kowalski answered.

"Who cares what Mr nerd extraordinaire over there says," the Rat King shouted, "Let's get him!"

The rats charged forward, though they began to slow and eventually stop as they neared the penguin, who hadn't moved or even looked up.

"This amount of radiation," Kowalski shook his head, "I'm surprised none of you are feeling the effects.

"What effects?" the gigantic ex-lab rat was now definitely worried. Whatever the penguin had found, it seemed to be more frightening than him, which was bad.

"Teeth falling out, tails dropping off, horrible blistering…"

"He's makin' this up," the king answered, though his voice betrayed his fear.

"I'm not stickin' around to find out!" one of the rats shouted, and before Kowalski knew it, the room was empty. Including the Rat King.

Kowalski walked over to Private. The young penguin dragged himself from the floor, swayed unsteadily on his feet.

"I'm really getting into the habit of saving you." Kowalski joked, trying to lighten the mood. Private muttered something inaudible in reply, and collapsed to the ground. Now Kowalski had an entirely new problem to solve: how to get _two_ unconscious penguins out of the sewer, one of which, including what he carried in his stomach, was at least six times his own weight.


	13. Motive: Promotion vs Cowardice

_"__You see Skipper, that's the problem with your little game," Blowhole cackled. The four penguins, especially Skipper, glared at the dolphin, "So one day, you finally catch me and bring me in. Then what? I'm not a criminal."_

_"__Yeah right," Skipper countered, "Your little Ring of Fire escapade was broadcast on national TV."_

_"__An art installation," Blowhole replied, "You never know what passes for art these days, but anyway, who apart from you, knows I did it? It's your word against mine."_

* * *

Kowalski sat in the sewers, waiting for Marlene, who said she'd be back in 'just a minute' with a rope. It was now approaching forty minutes. Well, it gave him time to think, once the shock of Skipper's attempted murder had been processed. He processed it pretty fast. The penguin wasn't in his right mind; he wasn't responsible for his actions. As soon as he completed the antidote, everything would go back to normal. However, as much as he tried to concentrate on trying to theorise where the mass sucked into black holes went, now that the answer was no longer as simple as 'it just disappears', one thought kept nagging at the back of his mind.

Getting past Skipper was far too easy.

Kowalski assumed it was just luck: his alarm going off too early (he must have been tired and set it incorrectly), the crossbow being right next to him, Skipper telling him to check the security systems, thus leaving the security system computer interface open. But now he was starting to wonder. He and the team had gone after Skipper before, trying to get him to take his shot1 and trying to get him to drink the antidote, and both times, they'd been sorely beaten. He went over Skipper's movements again. They all seemed to point in his favour, almost as if… No, that was impossible. It made no sense.

"K'walski?" Private mumbled, semiconscious.

"Private?"

"'m sorry."

"Sorry?" Kowalski repeated, unsure of what had been said. Private's eyes opened fully.

"I… teamed up with Blowhole… stole the mug, 'nd kidnapped myself," Private's face morphed into a pained smile as he looked down at his injuries, "Got what was coming to me didn' I?"

"Private, I…" Kowalski suddenly smiled, as if the final piece of the metaphorical puzzle had fallen into place, "Private, I know exactly what's going on!" then his expression turned grim as another thought occurred to him, "And I wish I didn't."

"Sorry it took me so long," Marlene shouted poking her head through the manhole, a coil of rope slung over her shoulder, "the HQ was locked so I had to find a store. Then I had this awful time trying to calculate the fresh fish to dollars exchange rate…"

* * *

Kowalski climbed down the ladder, and faced the team. Private was propped against a pile of pillows in his bed, his wing and in a cast and bandaged covering half his body. Marlene was worrying faster than the penguin ear could perceive, and Rico was seated in a deck chair, covered in almost as many bandages as private, but had refused to remain in bed for some reason Kowalski couldn't begin to fathom. Skipper was securely restrained in a Houdini-like trap in the corner.

"So, K'walski, what is it you wanted to talk to us so badly about?" Private asked, trying to sit up to get a better view of the penguin, but wincing painfully, and lay down again. Kowalski adjusted his position to suit the injured bird. How could Skipper do this to Private? And in his right mind too.

"Well… the best way to put this… I've discovered… well…" Kowalski went through just about every opening in existence, still uncertain of how to start, "Oh conservation of mass!" Kowalski exclaimed then, before his right mind could convince him otherwise, "Skipper was faking the Anti-Party-er effects!"

"What?!"

"'ot 'ipper!"

"um… how did you work that out, k'walski?" Private asked, assuming it was some kind of joke.

"Right, what happened was this. Skipper discovered what you were up to when he followed you after you sneaked out one night thinking you were going to the Shakespeare in the park," Kowalski ignored Private's question, continuing on to his reasoning, "When he heard you talking to Blowhole, instead of giving you a serious reprimand, he saw an opportunity to catch Blowhole. He went along with your plan, except when we were in the sewers, recovering from the explosion, he ripped the control chip out of the Anti-Party-er."

"Wha' I' work?" Rico questioned.

"It didn't."

"I don't think that was what he meant." Marlene pointed out.

"Well, yes it still fired; the components just didn't work correctly, so it really was nothing more than a glorified laser pointer. That's why he took it away so quickly and refused to give it back. It also explains why he asked for a replacement chip for the A155 PIR," the rest of the room looked at Kowalski, their expressions completely blank. Kowalski rolled his eyes, sighing exasperatedly, "Because the control chip is the same!" There was a collective, 'oh, I get it.'

"Lieutenant, I think you may need to retake your psychological evaluation." Skipper stated, his expression still remaining blank.

"So um… K'walski, how did you work this out?" Private asked, returning the conversation to the original question, hoping this would somehow defeat Kowalski's entire argument.

"Well, it seemed too obvious, escaping Skipper like that," Kowalski paused for rhetorical effect, "It kept nagging at me until I realised Skipper had put the crossbow on the desk in front of the computer on purpose; his order for me to check the security system was equally purposeful. That way, I'd have the security interface up to lock down the HQ. He also reset my alarm so I'd turn around in time to see the rats attack you."

"I… I can't believe it…" Marlene stuttered.

"What I can't believe," Kowalski cast a suddenly angry glance at Skipper, "Is that you put Private's life in danger to finally capture Blowhole…"

"Before you start pointing fingers, Lieutenant, don't you think my alleged actions are more akin to what you would do in such a scenario?" Skipper countered, seeming as emotionally blank as always, "Or are you simply in denial about the fact that I was unwilling to keep a liability on my team."

"…and doesn't have the guts to admit it."

"Yeah, I don' think we should be haven' that kinda person if this zoo and whatnot." Bing's voice commented from outside the HQ's open fishbowl door. The crowd of panicking animals outside had evident

"What if he uses us next time!" a shrill voice screeched.

"There's absolutely no way you can prove your theories," Skipper protested, "I think that the argument that you are simply trying to receive a promotion prior to my retirement is slightly stronger."

"Marlene, I think Skipper's having a bit of a memory failure." Kowalski answered sarcastically, turning to the otter. That remark about him going for a promotion was a low blow.

"Alright," Marlene looked at Skipper, her expression as cold as his. She and Kowalski had already discussed this, and she knew what she was going to say, "Remember that conversation we had when you 'rescued' me? The one where you explained your whole plan? How you told me it was all just an act, and that when Private was dead I could get on to the team and we could be together." Immediately gasps erupted from the animals outside, "Well, I guess you didn't have the guts to go through with that either…"

"That's a lie!" Skipper protested.

"Then who do you think we should believe, Skipper?" Kowalski countered, "The person who's been lying to us for weeks about his 'master plan', manipulating us, or Marlene?"

"Why don't you believe your commanding officer?" Skipper answered coolly. Rico's eyes narrowed. He couldn't be faking, Skipper couldn't remain calm under that much criticism, certainly not when coupled with the sleep loss. Then Skipper turned to Private, "Who do you believe, Private?"

The room fell silent, all eyes on Private. The youngest member of the team blanched slightly. He hated to say this, but, "I have to agree with them," Private looked down at the floor, "I don't want to believe it..."

"Ha' dare oo!" Rico growled, shuffling forward in his chair until Kowalski was kind enough to push him across the room. He immediately regretted this however, when Rico slapped Private across the face with his good wing, "oo believe 'ipper 'oul'…"

"That's enough Rico," Kowalski dragged the bird across the room, before he could slap private again, for once thankful for the bird's two broken legs, else Rico probably would have gotten out of his chair to continue to attack Private, "I have to admit, I'm surprised. I thought you'd be with us." Rico coughed painfully, before regurgitating a baseball, which hit Kowalski painfully in the face, before landing on the floor. Kowalski immediately backed off, "He gambled with your life too."

"Ah don' care," Rico replied stubbornly, "ee mah 'ipper." Rico looked around the room, only to see that, apart from Skipper, he was alone, "'ine then. Ah prove I' m'self." Rico tried to storm out in a rage, but soon found this nearly impossible shuffling forwards in a deck chair. Realising this, he began to cough and choke to the point of causing Private to look away to avoid being sick himself, and regurgitated a folded wheel chair. He then (with help from Kowalski, though he would later deny this) transferred himself out of the deckchair, then wheeled into the elevator, taking it down to the sewers. Skipper was under the influence of the Anti-Party-er, no matter what Kowalski said. He had to be.

**Only a few more twists to go before the end of the story. Hopefully this chapter cleared up a couple of points I left open, like why Skipper needed the replacement chip, and why Kowalski was able to take Skipper.**

**1 ****Needle Point**


	14. Said the Spider to the Fly

The zoovenire shop was packed with just about every one of the zoo's residents, even the ones normally that didn't attend meetings, for the first official investigation into Skipper's conduct during recent missions.

"See what I said about those penguins and their secret gadgets and explosives," Leonard panicked, "They're dangerous! They're crazy!" Leonard pointed to Skipper's honorary chair at the front of the room (he couldn't actually be there for safety reasons), "especially him! I want him out of the zoo!"

"I don't know what's goin' on, but I'm agreeing with them." Burt concurred.

"I say we throw him out immediately," Mason looking on at the event as one would the next page of an Agatha Christie. He turned to Phil who made a quick gesture with his hands, his expression similar, "Phil says 'ditto.'"

Private stepped forward, "Um… would everyone please be quiet so we can start?" Nobody listened, "I don't suppose you could all be quiet?" Private shouted a little louder.

"They aren't going to listen if you whisper at them," Kowalski criticized. He then turned to the crowd, and shouted at the top of his lungs, "For Mendeleev's sake QUIET!" Still nobody listened, "Why are they still talking, Private?" Kowalski groaned, his head in his hands.

"Well, um…"

"I am siding with de bossy penguin!" Julian announced as he joined the penguins at the front of the room, followed by Mort and Maurice. Now, _this_ got the rest of the room's attention.

"WHAT?" Joey exclaimed.

"Do not be hanging your mouth open like that, it is not becoming," Julian strutted over, closing the larger mammal's mouth closed. This ensured him a fast passage back to the other side of the room, as Joey's foot collided with 'de royal booty'. Julian slammed into the wall a good several meters away, before slowly dropping to the floor. He jumped up, "Maurice, I will be needing you to be taking all de punches for me!" grabbed Maurice and held him in front of him as a shield.

"Why do you think Skipper is not faking?" Kowalski asked, diplomatically standing between Joey and Julian. The marsupial growled menacingly, but backed down, the suspense of the current happenings more important than continuing Julian's lesson in manners.

"Oh, I don't really _know, _but without him, none of you will shut up for de royal me." Julian admitted, taking Skipper's seat.

"Can you get off Skipper's seat?"

"Don't be silly; Skipper is locked-y up-y down on, what, de eleventh floor?" Julian leaned back in the chair, his arms crossed.

"He's on the twelfth floor for your information, but Julian, it's the principle, "Kowalski argued, "If he can't represent himself in person, he can at least have an honorary seat."

"It's my chair!" Julian clung dramatically to the seat, his expression defiant.

"GREAT JEREMY BENTHAM CAN YOU GET OFF SKIPPER'S CHAIR AND LET ME CONTINUE?!" Kowalski screamed. Julian rolled his eyes, vacating the seat.

"Fine, if you feel so strongly about it."

"Good, now, since there seems to be nobody to object to this, let's just save time and say he's faking it and kick him out…"

Suddenly the door exploded, and Rico wheeled himself into the room, waving a tape recorder, "na' o'jec' go' 'vid'nce 'IPPER!" Rico literally fought his way to the front of the room, slamming the recorder on the overturned barrel of stuffed toys currently being used as a makeshift table.

"Listen 'ere, we was gonna get dis cleaned up nice an' easy…" Bing objected. Rico answered by regurgitating a flamethrower, pointing it at the audience. Rico pointed with his free wing at Marlene, glaring at her, "She lyin'!"

There was a collective gasp as everyone took in this information. Rico was about to play the tape when Kowalski interrupted: "Just what are you going to play us, Rico?" Rico glared at him, but the scientist refused to back down.

"'mn re' tape." Rico muttered before describing, in a series of wild gestures, why he was late. The translation is something like this:

_"__Oo 'an prove I'?" Rico asked. Doris laughed, leaning casually against one of the walls of the sewer tunnel. Almost immediately, she discovered that perhaps might not have been the best idea._

_"__Of course I can prove it." Then Doris saw the questioning look on Rico's face, "Sure, I was her friend, but I couldn't leave her to exact her revenge on dear Skippy," Doris smiled again. Rico hated it when she smiled, she looked like a snake ready to strike, and he knew from experience what that looked like, "Not after that night we spent together in San Francisco…"_

_"'__evenge?" _

_"__Yes, she found out about us, you see," Rico scowled. How dare she accuse his leader of such actions?! "I know your rose tinted vision of Skipper doesn't allow for that kind of behaviour, but it's all very true. So, back to Marlene: she followed the recent trend of 'if you have a problem, talk to Dr Blowhole' and so goes to my brother and asks for help," Doris handed Rico a tape recorder, "here's the whole conversation."_

_"__Why oo givn' me?" Rico asked sceptically._

_"__It's in brother dearest's interests that Skipper's predicament doesn't make it up to his superiors," Doris smiled, "between you and me, I think Skipper, once he returns to his right mind, would be extremely anxious to make sure that information didn't make it to them either, if you get what I mean." Doris rolled her eyes, "You know, everyone seems to think my brother is some kind of a miracle worker these days. He'd probably make enough to finance his schemes just by…" Doris frowned, noting that the penguin had walked off with the tape, "How rude."_

"Alright, Rico, now you can play the tape." Kowalski removed his wing from the device and Rico pressed play.

_"__Well, it seems we have a common goal," _Blowhole's recorded voice answered_, "I'm willing to offer my assistance."_

_"__How soon can you implement the plan?" _the room instantly erupted into loud murmuring at the recognition of Marlene's voice, but quickly died down as the recording continued.

_"__I haven't come up with it yet. If you could give me some more details on exactly how you wish to implement your revenge?"_

_"__My heart died the day I found out about San Francisco. Since Skipper doesn't seem to have a heart..."_

_"__Well, that's simple then: cyanide in his fish. That should be easy enough for a beginner."_

_"__But he'll never know it was me. He will never know it was because of something he did. If he has time to try and guess his murderer, he'd probably just think you'd grown some brain cells."_

_"__Excuse me?"_

_"__No… I want him to suffer. I want him to know I did it."_

_"__Well, before you start jumping on Julius Caesar band wagons, may I remind you that you aren't strong enough to stab him or strangle him, and you don't know how to use a gun..."_

_"__I'm not going to let you kill him if that's what you're hinting at."_

_"__So what do you suggest?"_

_"__Well, if I can't kill him, I'll have to just make him wish he was dead."_

_"__Or not feel anything at all..." _Blowhole thought aloud_._

_"__What?"_

_"__The Anti-Party-er. I happen to know Private isn't very happy with it. Hm…" _there was a good thirty-second pause as the dolphin pieced together his plan_, "Yes… that would work. He trusts you and will almost certainly consult you at some point. When he does, tell him that you have no idea how to get them to destroy it, and that he would have to ask a scientist…"_

_"__And since he can't ask Kowalski…"_

_"__He'll come to me. I can then use him to get Skipper once again zapped with the Anti-Party-er, during which time I will convince him to attempt to kill private. Private will at some point confess, and, with a confession from you as to Skipper faking the effects, he should be on his way out of the zoo by the next day. Without his team, we can take our time and there will be no investigation."_

Rico switched off the recorder. All eyes turned on Marlene.

"I… I…" Then, her face contorted with anger as she gave up her façade of ignorance. She stood up, her glare almost matching Rico's.

"Rico," Kowalski looked at Marlene, then back at Rico, "I don't think any of us have any objections to your proposal…" Rico's psychotic grin reached record levels as the floor was suddenly covered in an array of deadly weapons.

"Don't you understand? What he did?" Marlene shouted. If she feared for her life, which any rational person should, she did not show it, "If any of you knew what it was like to be cheated on, by someone you've loved since the day you met them… For years, waiting for them… waiting for them to love you back…" Marlene returned to her chair, tears streaming down her face, "Then… when they finally say they love you…"

"Stand down, Rico." Kowalski pulled the slowly approaching psychopath back. He knew how Marlene felt. He'd been through the same thing with Doris, the other person, also, ironically, being Skipper, "I don't see why Skipper should receive any more lenient punishment than Marlene," Kowalski's attention returned to the otter, "You have an hour and a half to gather your stuff," he then acknowledged Rico, who at this point was practically begging to exact his pound of flesh on behalf of Skipper, "If you're ever seen in the zoo after that, you're fair game."

"But… what about… outside the zoo I…"

"Last I checked, you were cured."

The End (or so everyone thinks…)


	15. Wait, It Was All A Trick?

"Well, it almost worked," the penguin concluded, seemingly unfazed.

"I haven't got all year." Blowhole grumbled, ignoring the complement. He'd had enough of those from the otter.

"Alright, here's the papers, all of them." The mammal and the bird, just as before, met in the abandoned subway station. Blowhole's anonymous associate handed him a folder. Once again, the dolphin shuffled through the papers, making sure they were all there.

"No tricks?"

"Would I tell you if there were?" the bird turned to leave, and then stopped, as if he had forgotten something, "I don't suppose you have a spare PIR control chip?"

"Those things are practically antiques. Anyway, I thought you had one?"

"I did. It was… damaged, due to your plan."

"Due to the way you executed my plan, thank you very much." The dolphin countered. The penguin held out another piece of paper.

"These are the studies done on Jiggles. I'll trade you them for the chip." Blowhole looked cautiously at the chip. It was tempting; after all, it wasn't every day one got the opportunity to purchase the official (and very very classified) study on the first gelatinous life form.

"Alright," Blowhole opened a panel in his Segway, exposing the wiring, then removed a small chip, "Do you mind if it's slightly used? I've been using it to link various systems to my control panel, but it's in decent condition."

"That's fine." The two conspirators swapped items, then parted company, their non-violent association forever finished.

* * *

"Thanks Doris." The penguin didn't meet her gaze. It was easier to look at the walls of the sewers than at her. There was too much guilt associated with those ice blue eyes. The tension in the room was almost unbearable.

"It never would have worked between us," She stated, admitting what was so obvious to both parties. The penguin smiled wearily.

"You just keep tellin' yourself that." He joked, though his voice nearly cracked. What had he done to cause things to go so wrong?

"Very funny." Doris commented dryly. She had a façade to keep up, after all, even if the guy was ruggedly handsome.

"Hey, I can joke now that we've both moved on."

"You just keep telling yourself _that_." Doris countered, hoping he didn't count the remark as flirtatious.

"Careful, Doris, the walls have ears. Penguin ears. Let's not stay too long."

"Ok. So, did it work?"  
" Your 'brother dearest' has incriminated himself, on record, beyond any doubt. There was a tracer in the papers I gave him, and without the control card, half his weapons are temporarily useless. Now, if he's found with classified documents…"

"Good. As long as he stays behind bars."

* * *

"Murderess!"

"Traitor!"

Marlene exited the zoovenire shop, her head bowed. She could hear the patter of Julian's feet as he chased after her, going all out on the insults. Even Mort seemed to somewhat comprehend what was going on, and hatred towards her too. Well, she didn't regret what she'd done, not one bit. Sure, it hurt to be thrown out of the zoo, her home, be abandoned by her friends, but it had to be done.

"Fibonacci's numbers, can everyone pay attention for a few more minutes?!" she heard Kowalski scream from inside the zoovenire shop, just before she closed the door behind her. He would keep them occupied until she could leave; After all, he had been predictable enough in letting her off due to the similarity of his story to hers. Despite this, one or two of the animals followed her out. However, the crowd began to die as she reached her habitat, and by the time she got there, she was alone. At least, she thought she was.

"Mornin' doll face." Marlene turned around.

"Skipper…!" She immediately hugged him, burying her head in his feathered chest as she cried, "I'm just glad it's over."

"Me too," skipper's gaze was concerned as he stroked her fur comfortingly.

"Skipper?" Marlene looked up.

"Yes?"

"Aren't you supposed to be…?"

"Name one cage in the world that can hold me," Skipper replied with forced confidence as he set to work helping her pack, "I've been out during the whole inquest, paying people off, tying up loose ends etc. By the way, Doris says hi."

"I'm glad she was willing to play her part," Marlene double-checked that they were alone, "Do you think they'll believe it?"

"Of course they will, after that amazing performance of yours," Skipper reassured, though his expression quickly grew concerned, "I just hope…"

"No price is too high, skipper," Marlene interrupted. Her sudden anger burning in her eyes, "Getting Blowhole to help you to trick me into committing murder, so you could lose two liabilities with one stone, was the only way to get him to incriminate himself without spotting the trap." Skipper looked away, his gaze lingering the fence enclosing the habitat.

"It's not too late, I can still…"

"Your team needs a leader, Skipper," Marlene turning his head to face her, smiling despite her situation, which, only seemed to make Skipper feel worse. She took her suitcase from his wing, "I think you should head back now. You still have an Anti-Party-er to fix, now you have the control chip," Marlene started towards the entrance of the cave, then turned back to Skipper, who was levering open the manhole cover to access the sewers, "Visit me in the park some time?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

Rico opened a single eye, surveying his surroundings. He made sure everyone was asleep before taking the Rico Interpreter prototype out from under his pillow, swallowing it, and sneaking up to the surface. He'd sabotaged the other devices, but that first prototype, well, at the time, he wasn't exactly sure what to do with it, so he did the only thing he could think of and hid it. It was only when Kowalski said to be careful with the exposed cooling wire did Rico realise, all he had to do was cut that, and it would destroy the device but make it look like an accident. Eventually Kowalski would give up.

Rico walked a decent distance from the HQ, to the point at which he probably wouldn't be heard, before regurgitating a flamethrower. He placed the Rico Interpreter on the brick path in front of him, aiming the device at it. He'd tried to get Kowalski to understand, he didn't want to talk. There was so many rules, and courtesies necessary to speak, in settings as informal as amongst friends, that even during the early tests (during which Kowalski spent most of the time looking shocked and telling him never to speak that way in front of Private) talking felt like a perpetual mine field.

Rico pulled the trigger, reducing the device to a shapeless heap of molten metal and plastic. Well, his problems were over now. The rest of the zoo would probably just assume it was part of the remains of Kowalski's last self-aware missile.

The End (For real)

**This was the final chapter; I hope you liked it, despite my sudden change in genre half way through. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to anyone who didn't review, but still enjoyed the story.**


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